It’s never like this when I take the Ford Focus in for its irregular service or to get the dicky electrics checked.
Admirable though the local garage is in its own way, there’s no sultry allure about the place… not even in the body shop where you might feasibly expect a flash of toned torso.
That said, the garage in The Car Man, despite much rolling of tyres and macho spanner wielding, would probably not be your number one pitstop for a bit of rudimentary mechanics.
It’s a garage born of a Matthew Bourne fever dream… a simmering, sweaty place of sexual ambiguity and frenetic action punctuated by spells of lounging, flirting and occasional lacklustre fisticuffs.
In this American desert outpost where the population doesn’t top 400 and testosterone simmers under a hot sun, things are apt to boil over when fuel from Dino’s Diner is added to the mix.
The place is called Harmony and the delicious irony is underlined when a stranger swaggers onto the forecourt and Dino, cigar-chomping boss of garage and diner, takes him on.
With the sniggeringly suggestive ‘Man Wanted’ sign torn down, any suggestion of harmonious living goes with it.
Luca, the surly and opportunistic drifter, catches the eye of Lana, Dino’s attractive young wife, but he’s just as likely to plant a smacker on the lips of the lads. He swings both ways… but can pack a punch.
I’ve seen most Matthew Bourne creations and even – it must have been back in 2000, just before it premiered – sat in on a rehearsal of The Car Man down in London.
But I’ve never actually seen it performed until this week, it previously having swerved past me on its way to becoming one of the most popular productions in Bourne’s New Adventures canon.
Inspired by Bizet’s Carmen, an opera set in a 19th Century Spanish cigarette factory, it, too, tells a sultry tale of sex and death, though transposed to a different century and place.
That the story unfolds gradually is no hardship.
Bourne’s dancers are always fabulously watchable, acting their socks off while stoking up the atmosphere with a succession of choreographed leaps and lifts, and making it all appear effortless.
Never mind socks. In one ‘ooh la la’ moment the lads throw off all their garments in order to take a shower.
Yes, this is one steamy production… and if the lads get hot, so do the lasses. Plenty of them reside in Harmony and one of them even wears denim and wields tools.
A car woman? The period may be the 1950s but this is 2026. And this is Matthew Bourne.
Roles tend to be shared around the New Adventures company but on Tuesday (unless I’m mistaken) we got Will Bozier as Luca, Adam Galbraith as Dino, Cordelia Braithwaite as Lana, Anna-Maria de Freitas as her sister Rita and Leonardo McCorkindale as the hired help, Angelo, whose misfortunes are at the heart of the tale.
But it’s an ensemble piece and all are brilliant… and I loved the scenes where crimes are re-enacted on stage as if in the heads of the guilty or accused.
Be prepared for ample gore to go with that flash of nudity, underlying the adult nature of the show.
The wonderfully erotic duets are masterclasses in strength and poise. And Bizet’s music, cleverly moulded by Terry Davies, emotes as expressively as the dancers on Lez Brotherston’s elaborate and versatile set.
At key points along the way, however, the music gives way to one noisy cicada, locating the action more effectively than any human score.
This is an exciting show and, in contradiction to everything I’ve written before, also undeniably cool.
The Car Man runs until Saturday, September 12. Tickets from the Theatre Royal box office.